Deadly Sin

Something about the way he moved threw the crowded dance floor…as if everything else was in slow motion but he seemed to glide threw the dancing bodies swaying and moving to the music…He was made of something slippery and smooth… made of ether, something not so base as human flesh and bone. He came closer to his prey with the smooth stride of a confident killer.

I knew I was dead before he even said a word to me. One look from across this dizzy crowded dance floor was all it took and I didn’t care. Was it right or wrong what I was feeling, I didn’t think twice, simply tipped my chin down in a coy shyness but my eager eyes looked up in anticipation of what might be. If a deadly sin could be made manifest in physical form, he would be Lust.

He wasn’t the most handsome in the room, but he seemed to shine to pull me in like a massive black hole swallowing everything, pulling all around him in. I was being crushed and pulled into a smothering darkness and I loved every tantalizing moment of it. Such sweet torture this painful anticipation of his touch, his breath, his gaze…I held my breath waiting for just the slightest hint of wanting.

Can you see now? Can you understand what I felt? Why I feel in love with him, in lust with him…how he held such a powerful spell over me? I suppose if you have never felt anything like it, then how can you relate to me…I don’t know how to put it…maybe as an addiction, he was my addiction in all ways that addictions begin, with just a little of something and that something grows bigger more immense so that it consumes you and instead of you wanting it, it feeds off of you and is the driving force of your very existence, there is nothing more…just this addiction that you must satisfy or perish eternally with out it.

And without, is something you can not even begin to think about. The addiction is you as you are the addiction; it’s all that there is. Junkies, Alcoholics, Pothead’s, Smokers…they all can understand what I am saying. Sex addicts, Chocoholics, Clean Freaks and those with OCD’s can possibly relate to what I am saying.

To know something is bad for you, that it’s killing you…but you’re so far gone, so deep within your addiction that you can’t see anything other then fulfilling the next need, the next fix. When you are without, you think you can hold out, not give in, that you can actually quit and beat it…go cold turkey and call the shots. But after a little, very little, while you realize you are not in control, you’re just a puppet on strings and your addiction is playing you like a fiddle, a finely tuned fiddle…and you’re dancing to its tune it’s playing for you, about you, of you…just for you.

That’s what he was to me, my addiction.  He was heaven, he was hell, he was my world and when he wasn’t there, I was in misery and when he was with me I was in heaven being tortured by the most beautiful angel that the gods could have sent me.

Can you imagine what it’s like to dream of only a gaze or a slight touch, the breath of the one you lust for just brushing against your skin? He could trace his finger down my cheek and I would shiver with delight…can you imagine that kind of ecstasy? Not many can. Was it a blessing that I got to feel that intense of emotion, of passion for the time I had with him? Or was it a tragedy that I would get to taste that unrestrained lust and desire and never have it again? I can’t decide which. Maybe you could help me understand it all, but I doubt it if you have never known that kind of love and desire. If you have then you would bear the same burden and scars that I have endured and you would have your own cautionary tale to tell…wouldn’t you?